You’ll learn that there are things nobody—even your besties—will tell you about motherhood. I think it’s because everyone’s experiences, both with their mother and as a mother, are different. Or maybe they did tell you, but you ignored it or had no clue just how real it was until you’ve experienced it. I’ve been a mom for just shy of 3 years now. I’m hardly an expert, but I’m going to clue you in on what I’ve learned so far.
Pregnancy brain
It’s real and it never goes away. After you birth your beautiful baby, it then disguises itself for the rest of your life as mom brain. Say hello to your new friend: short term memory loss. Are you like me and you’ve gone through life with the memory of an elephant who never forgets? Well, forget what it was like to never forget. Trust me, it’s easy. You’ll forget this by the time you reach the end of this post. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll remember that awful outfit you chose for your 5th grade school picture. But why did you just walk over to the pantry? Yeah, I don’t remember either.
The name game
You’ll likely shout the name of your dog, your husband and your third cousin twice removed before you finally land on the name of your own child. (Who you’re trying to convince that it’s much more fun to color on paper than your white walls).
Labor/Delivery/Recovery
No two are exactly alike. Your friend may have had the most peaceful at-home water birth surrounded by the beautiful relaxing sounds of waterfalls, birds chirping and a breeze blowing. Your other friend may have a nightmare story regarding screaming, threatening her husband’s life for putting her in this position, the indescribable pain of contractions, and the dreaded poop on the table. They’re all different. My labor story involves none of the above. Instead, due to a failed epidural, I had to be given an anesthetic and completely asleep for Harper’s birth. I plan to share a more in-depth account of Harper’s birth, so I’ll spare you the gritty details here. Just know that sometimes your birthing plan goes out the window and that’s okay! Say goodbye to it if it means having your health and baby’s health and safety come first. 👋🏻 Byeeee, birthing plan!!
Helicopters
Sometimes I wish I could be a different kind of mom. Who doesn’t want to be the cool mom like Mrs. George from Mean Girls? Or the hot mom. The fun mom at the playground who sits back on a bench and supervises their child from afar. The mom that lets a child play in their room for hours. I’ve been blessed with a child with such a wonderful imagination who could play with her dolls and other toys for hours on end by herself. But here I am, the helicopter. I swear as soon as Harper started crawling I sprouted propellers. Unfortunately, my mind goes to the worst place and all I think of is what could go wrong or how she could hurt herself if she’s unattended. I’m not advocating for ignoring your child or not monitoring them, but truth is they can hurt themselves right under your nose while you’re watching them. Literally. You’ll watch your child fall in slow motion and scrape their knee, or see them doing something and watch them bump their head. Which leads me to my next point….
They’re durable!
They really are. I mean, obviously, like any human, if they get hurt, they’ll cry or feel pain. But the great thing is that for the most part, their attention span is so short that it’s easy to distract them while cleaning that scrape or putting an ice pack on that bump on their head. And in all honesty, they’re easy to bribe. Kid needs Benadryl? Here’s a special toy for actually swallowing it! Hell, if you offered me a present just for taking a dose of Benadryl, I’d probably get the best sleep of my life! Another perfect segue….
Sleep? What even is that?!
It’s too late once you’re pregnant to get the good sleep everyone tells you to get before baby arrives. At least it was for me. I found out at six weeks, and almost instantly, the cramps and back pain I was having made sense. Once you’re aware, it’s a lot more difficult to get comfortable. Again—this is the situation for me. There are some bitches lovely ladies out there with the nerve who were blessed to have a beautiful and painless pregnancy from day one. One where they felt comfortable the entire time, and knew this was what their bodies were meant to do. I, on the other hand, gained 50 pounds, swelled up so much that I couldn’t bend my legs to climb into bed at night, and developed PUPPP/hormonal rash for the last three weeks of my pregnancy over my entire body minus my back and face. Early in my pregnancy, I pulled a muscle in my stomach and had to see a prenatal chiropractor. They gave me exercises to do, which helped, but it was then that the doctor gave me the reason behind me favoring one side of my body for most of my life. If not for that pulled muscle, I never would have found out that I have scoliosis. It is very mild, but made things clear to me as far as why I always tend to sit to one side or stand bearing weight on my right leg. Thankfully, it is not a major case, as some people require back braces and surgery to help these conditions. These are a few things that contributed to my lack of sleep during pregnancy, but once baby is here, it’s a whole new level! Your child may be colicky, have FOMO, or just hate their bassinet. (Or all three. Hi, Harper!) Sometimes, you’ll sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, and that’s glorious! Sometimes, you’ll go days and wonder how you (and everyone in your home) are still alive and functioning. If you’re lucky enough to have family close by and they offer help, TAKE IT. Trust me, it’s not easy—especially if you’re a Type A like me—and I felt like total shit to have my mother and mother-in-law over only go into my bedroom to sleep for an hour instead of doing laundry or offering them lunch. I’m so thankful for all the help they gave us in those first few months. It’s funny to think that I thought I could do it myself while Dan was at work and I was on maternity leave. In fact it’s downright hysterical. I’m aware enough to know that not everyone has the help that we had and still have. I’m sure I could have done it alone during the day if we lived far from our families, because we wouldn’t have had the choice BUT to do it ourselves. I’m thankful every day that Harper has grandparents who encourage sleepovers and want to spend so much time with her. Those sleepovers give Dan and I a chance to “take off” and not be parents for a night. Those nights give us sleep that we need. Sometimes, you’ll have a two-year-old who won’t sleep through the night. Sometimes, you’re blessed with a baby who sleeps soundly for 8-10 hours at night from the beginning. They’re all different. But again, if you’re lucky enough to have the help though, take it.
Moms need “me time” too
Whether your idea of self love is a mani-pedi at a local nail salon, getting your hair done, or simply sitting at home with a sheet mask, eating popcorn and drinking boxed wine while bingeing RHONY, you need that time. If in this day and age you’re lucky enough to be partners with or married to the other parent of your child, date nights can go a long way too. It’s easy to fall into a routine, and especially with recent months, it isn’t always easy. But to be able to make the time to have quality time together and focus on yourselves and your relationship is invaluable. Don’t feel guilty for working on yourself. The only way to be the best parent you can be is to try to be the best version of yourself. It’s okay to relinquish control and trust your partner or a family member to care for your child. Personally, it’s the best thing for me sometimes. Everyone knows their threshold for shit they can tolerate, and when I feel myself losing patience, I try to call in for reinforcements. (Especially now that we’re somewhat out of quarantine and grandparents are available and eager to take Harper off our hands!) Some people refuse to part with their child, and if that works for you, that’s amazing! If it isn’t, it doesn’t make you any less of a mom or a worse mom. Mom guilt is bad enough without us throwing more pressure on ourselves.
Speaking of “Mom Guilt”
Mom guilt is so real. And the bastard creeps up on you when you least expect it. You need to do something for yourself, so you sit your child down in front of YouTube or their favorite cartoon. You almost instantly feel bad for not engaging with them. You have dinner plans or just need a night off, and your kid is going to sleep at their grandparents’ house. As nice as that time to yourself is, here comes the mom guilt once again, while you’re relaxing quietly with your beer, with the mission to make you wonder “did you really need a night off from parenting?” And it’s okay to smack that doubt right out of your head. I feel it all the time—even as I sit here typing and Harper says quietly: “Mommy? Come play?” and I hate the sound of my voice as I say as pleasantly as possible (for the sixth time): “Just give mommy a few minutes, Bunny!” The thing is, even though they become our number one priority, the rest of our lives don’t stop. Much like everything else, there’s a learning curve, and different things work for different people. But don’t let mom guilt make you feel like anything other than the freaking superstar that you are!
It’s okay to not be okay
Lastly, I wish someone told me earlier on that it’s okay to not have your shit together all the time. There are some women who make it look so easy, and it isn’t always that simple. Don’t get caught up looking at someone’s highlight reel on Instagram. It’s been said and will continue to be said that people show on social media what they want you to see. That’s why my goal is to be honest and transparent with my audience. (For instance, the ugly truth behind the beautiful pregnancy photo above involved a lot of sweat, a ridiculously humid day on a Long Island beach in July while 7 months pregnant, and a walk up and down said beach with swollen legs and ankles). And mommy + me photos? Those cute first-year photos of your baby on a blanket or posing with a blackboard with all of their monthly stats? HAHAHAHA! I would love to say they’re easy, but it definitely isn’t always the truth—especially past the 4 month mark! I’m thankful to be able to recognize when I need help either mentally, emotionally or physically. Or all three. Postpartum depression is a real thing in those immediate months that follow your baby’s birth. It can come out of nowhere and it can be scary. If you need help you have to be able to recognize that, especially if you’re susceptible to depression or already live with it. People will mock it, or may not understand. It isn’t always easy, but the best thing to do is to keep a clear head and pay no mind to those who don’t understand it, and admit out loud that you need a hand. It isn’t always easy, and there’s nothing wrong with asking someone to help out. If anyone needs a sounding board, I’m always here! What I can tell you with full confidence, is that they’re totally worth it. The sleepless nights, the discomfort, postponing something that you needed to do for yourself. When that little being looks up at you and says that they love you, it all makes sense.
Pregnancy photo by Katina Krawchuck
Mama-Daughter photo thanks to my tripod
Maternity dress from Pink Blush // Tie dye sweatsuit from Red Dress // Harper’s tie dye outfit from The Children’s Place // Harper’s “Miss Argentina” shirt from Be Kind Rewind
Allison Marinucci says
I love all of this. I appreciate your honesty! I am so in agreement with sleep and me time—-Joey is 9 and still does not sleep through the night!
My me time is what keeps me sane. Thanks for sharing and your beautiful pics of the fam!
Jeannette says
I love this! So relatable and trust and believe I have a 16 year old and not much changes from them being toddlers they just a little more independence but no more mommy come play it’s mommy come pay lol.